Transparency is not my strength

I’ve been silent on my blog for a few months because I struggle to be honest with myself.

I struggle to admit that I’m feeling sick. Because I’m fine. Really I’m fine.

I struggle to confess that I’m hurting because. I’m fine. Really. I’ll be fine.

I struggle to enter into my grief because I’m fine. Really.

It’s my practice to write in journals about personal and spiritual growth. As I looked back on my journals for 2018, I see I’ve been either sick or injured continually since March 2018.

When I sit before an open journal and read my own reflections I can’t lie to myself anymore.

two hispanic women standing in front of a train
Belinda McDanel on the left. Pearl Tapanes on the right.

June 2, 2018 was the anniversary of my sister’s death. Around May I noticed I was eating a lot. Emotional eating. And I’ve gained a few pounds. This doesn’t concern me so much as the need to listen to my heart. And share.

This is my first attempt to share. It’s hard. I’m selective when I’m vulnerable. But being a writer, I’m learning to practice in public, as Jeff Goins puts it.

Practice telling myself the truth. Practice being real and admitting that I’m human. Practice self care.

So I’ve been quiet because I’m practicing self care and emotional honesty.

My goal to publish my memoir was November 25, 2018. I won’t meet that deadline but I just started editing again this week. It’s coming along.

Thanks for listening.


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